Thursday, December 24, 2009

Coming out also involves others

one of the many things that i don't understand in life is the condescending attitude of some in the gay community towards those that are in the closet. those who are in the closet may be for various reasons. granted that some may prefer to remain in the closet for the simple, but not trivial reasons of fear for their physical well-being (i.e. getting their heads kicked in by a homophobic yob), but we have to keep in mind that others may have more serious issues to deal with like compromising their professional status, or being ostracised by "friends" and worse, family. And there are those that choose to not live openly as a homosexual so as not to hurt their loved ones. it is this last possibility that may sometimes be overlooked. coming out is a highly personal process to go through, that i agree, but we also have to remember that whilst it liberates us, it could affect deeply those who care about us. there is shock from the news, disappointment that they may have been mistrusted and hence not told sooner, or worse, pain - pain for having been "deceived". coming out is not all about you. others will be affected. it is up to you to weigh the options, constantly evaluating if the time is right when the feeling of being liberated outweighs the fear, the shock, the disappointment, and the pain it may cause to yourself and to others. bottom line - those who chooses to remain in the closet at this time should not be looked down upon. until we truly know the motivation for remaining in the closet, we cannot, and should not judge.

i should clarify that this is by no means an advice not to come out. i am merely discussing an aspect of coming out that in my opinion may be overlooked, and that the process, whilst centred on the individual, also has effects on others that we, more often than not, fail to notice.

Christmas jokes

A couple of Christmas-related jokes for you. Will post something more substantial in a day or two. Happy Christmas, dear Readers. :)

Joke #1:

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low
doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It's better than Derek."

Joke #2:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went
to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had Hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Caught in the middle?

i've just found out during dinner tonight that two of my really good friends have fallen out. i was having dinner with one of them and she didn't say anything about it. i sensed that she was keeping something from me, and she was - the whole falling out thing. they both agreed that it should be kept from me so that i wouldn't feel that i was caught in the middle. well, i am; i chose to, and i won't let this happen. i asked friend number 1 if it would be alright to speak to friend #2. so i'll do this when i get back to london. i will need to gather my thoughts and prepare what i will say. i only have a handful of close friends, and i consider them my closest friends. i treasure these friendships, i nurture them, and i will not stand by and watch them wilt and die. interestingly, it's not easy to get to this level with me, but once you do, then you are my friend for life.

the situation is unusual, but i don't think it's insurmountable. i just need to have them see with an objective eye what the real issue is. it's not about their friendship. it's more about the working relationship, that somehow crept into the friendship. i just need to tread carefully as one (friend #2) is stubborn and has quite a temper. not that i'm scared in incurring their wrath. i just want to be able to keep the emotional level under control, so that we can both clear and comprehensible to each other. maybe the 10-hr flight back to london will give me the time i need to think.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


i blog, i tweet, i have facebook and tumblr accounts, but i can't be arsed to update them as regularly as i would like. i do have a job, and that takes most of my day.

one of the tweets of someone i follow referred to the movie C.R.A.Z.Y. if you're not familiar with it, read a bit of the synopsis below.

Synopsis :
Zachary naît un 25 décembre, quatrième fils d'un père plein d'amour filial, fanatique de Charles Aznavour et Patsy Cline, et d'une mère aux petits soins pour ses cinq fils. L'enfant voue une admiration sans bornes pour son père qui, pour sa part, désapprouve ses penchants pour des jeux qu'il estime peu virils et ses inclinations homosexuelles en germe.

Il s'agit de l'histoire des relations père-fils mettant en perspective les durs paramètres sociaux sous lesquels le Québec des années 1960 et 1970 vit une crise identitaire.

Fils d'un père « souffrant d'un surplus d'hormones mâles » (qu'à une époque plus récente, on aurait qualifié d'homophobe) et élevé avec ses quatre autres frères à la personnalité affirmée, Zachary, adolescent, tente de se définir. Il doit composer avec une crise d'identité sexuelle émergente et le désir intense qu'il a de plaire à un père bouillant et intransigeant qu'il adore par-dessus tout.

La première lettre des prénoms Christian, Raymond, Antoine, Zachary et Yvan forment l'acronyme du titre, qui est aussi le titre de la chanson préférée de leur père.

the movie has some significance to me as a large chunk of the movie mirrored my childhood and teenage life.

for example, the lead character zachary had a difficult birth. at least the film gave the impression that he might die. when i was born, i was not breathing. the doctors thought that i would not make it, so they let my mom take me in her arms, with everyone, including my father thinking that i was going to die. then i sneezed and started to cry to much relief of everyone, including the doctors. at least this is how my mom and dad tell the story. unlike zachary, i was not dropped on the floor when i was a baby. lol.

in his early years, zachary would prefer to play with dolls to his father's despair. his father forced onto him toys that were, and still are, traditionally for boys. the same thing with me. i preferred to play with my sisters dolls, and would often take them around in my little car and pedal them around in the streets near our house. that was the only way i could get away with playing with the dolls, if my sister was playing with me as well. i was forced into playing sports, though admittedly, i quite enjoyed sports. there were times when i would get punished if i as much think of playing with my sister's dolls. sometimes it was physical punishment. my dad was adamant that i was going to be a boy-boy, if that made any sense. one thing i could remember distinctly was when he took the clippers and shaved my head, which angered my mom. the reason he did that was because a woman in the store we were in commented what a pretty girl i was. haha! back then i had curly brown hair, big eyes, fair skin, and very red lips. i guess that upset my dad so much that he had to go through this drastic measure of shaving off my head of curly hair. i could sense that my mom still hold a small resentment from that incident. i didn't know any better. all i could remember was that i was scared to death of the clippers. i had never gotten my hair cut before that. i was four at the time.

in the film, zachary's mom understood him much better than his father, and this held through for most of the film until the end when zachary was in his early twenties, i assume. the same thing with me. my mom understood me so much better, and this was true about everything. she just knew my psychology, how my mind worked. she could and still can read me like a book. very hard to keep anything from her. lol. i didn't have to come out to her. she asked me straight up if i was gay. i guess in a way that was easier because it was initiated for me. sometimes starting that type of conversation represents the greatest inertia that is the most difficult to overcome. An emotional and/or psychological hump, if you will.

when i was 14 or so, i started getting interested sexually in boys. at times, i can be terrible at hiding my emotions, whether it be anger, happiness, frustration, or lovesickness. (sappy, i know. lol) my father saw this, and he was not pleased. he didn't do anything, but i could tell he didn't approve of it. what could he have done? nothing, really. it's not like shaving my head would solve the problem. haha! although he did try to set me up on a date with his colleague's daughter when i was fifteen. things got better though. my father had to take charge of a project in the u.s. he moved a year before the rest of the family did. i hate to say it, but it's true. i felt that if he didn't see me turn into a gayboy, then i didn't feel that i was disappointing him. at 16, i came out to my mom and my friends. well, all of them asked me directly. then at 17, i told my dad knowing that it would be difficult for him to handle. i had to do it though. it was tough knowing that my mom knew and my dad didn't. also, i was leaving for university, so i figured that the distance may lessen the impact on both of us. leaving home after coming out was also something zachary did in the film.

unlike the film, my dad came around much sooner than zachary's father. i don't know exactly what happened, but i'm sure my mom played a large part in making him see the light. lol. things are very good between us now. he's met boyfriends that i had. i don't know if he's entirely comfortable with the idea, but he's at least accepted it.

i realise that what i described here is not unique to me. i'm certain that others may have had the same experience. but then again, what we take away from the film, their relation or link to events in our lives and how we interpret them are highly personal and unique.

so there you go - a brief synopsis of my birth, early childhood, and teen years.

thanks for reading.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Too close to home

Note: this is actually an edited version of the original. i had more details in it, which i actually published, but only for a couple of minutes. i'm republishing this without the details. it's very very personal to me, and as you will read later in the post, not many, not even my family knew this happened.

i just watched a movie called "borstal boy" and i couldn't finish it. it was a good movie, but the story took a turn that i was not expecting at all. in fact, it surprised me, or actually jolted me because it hit very much close to home for me. i guess to put this post in context, i need to elaborate a bit on the moview, so there may be some spoilers. so, stop reading now if you don't want the movie spoiled for you.


the movie is based on a book that i'd read. i wasn't aware of it until it was brought up in a series of tweets with a twitter friend. the book is autobiographical, about brendan behan's time spent in a borstal. he was put there for his failed attempt at bombing a hotel establishment in england. whilst there, his stance on the english softened. the movie was based very very loosely on the book, where charlie milwall, an english sailor had a more prominent part. in the movie, brendan and charlie developed a romantic relationship. in the end, charlie was released from borstal and joined the h.m.s. prince of wales, which was supposed to have been sunk in singapore (this was historically inaccurate). there were no survivors.

whilst this part seemed generic, an aspect made it much closer to me. i lost someone that i loved (i still do) and all i have left of him is his pendant. what we had was perfect, and i was devastated when he was taken away from me. i wore the pendant for years, swearing not to ever take it off, but a friend of mine convinced me last year to start letting it go. i finally did take it off, but it was really more ceremonial than anything. i still feel something.

and whilst watching borstal boy today, the emotions came flooding back again. i've only told this to two other people. my family do not know that this happened to me. maybe i should have. i was a mess for the two years that followed. it is obvious from writing this that i've not completely gotten over the experience. i really do not want to, not because i'm a glutton for drama. that is absolutely not the case. i hate drama. what i had with HIM was life-changing, and an experience like that is something that one should hold on to. to this day, while it still hurts a bit, i genuinely feel that i am proud to have known him, and to have known that HE was mine.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Want a big penis?

whilst writing my previous post, a spam quarantine report summary came up in my inbox. these were the ones picked up by the anti-spam service.

11 Nov 01:47 release Get really big package ! - Way to no-allergy life! http://iofanl...
10 Nov 22:11 release Most recommended solution for most intimate male problems. - Gigantic results guaranteed! http://k...
10 Nov 21:56 release Get real rod for doing her - 22 Things You Can Do To Satisfy Your ...
10 Nov 02:46 release Want your stick to stay? - hot chixs.Vacation. http://ic.gimpyfh...

i don't know whether to be annoyed or laugh. i wonder what people 500 years from now will think of us when they discover all these digital archaeological "treasures"? lol

I've got rose-tinted glasses on

i will be moving to a different place, still in brighton/hove area, so not comparable to the other moves i've done. it's interesting that since my family left the London, UK to live in the US, i've not stayed more than five years at any one place. I lived in northern California for three years, in southern California for four and half years, in the midwestern US for five years, the Rockies for five years, and now back to the UK where I've been for almost three years.

whilst the travelling and moving had been interesting, at least with regards to exposure to different things, like culture, people, and surroundings, there have also been some drawbacks to it - mainly the establishment of long-term relationships with friends and lovers, if you will. a friend of mine, who i've been lucky to actually call my best friend for the past three years once mentioned that for an average person it takes at least seven years to develop a deeper friendship with someone. i'm not sure if he was just making this up to discourage me from moving back to the UK, or if it was something he actually observed empirically. but i think the main point to be taken from what he said is that it takes time to cultivate a true friendship, one with meaning, and one that you will not hesitate to defend or preserve. and whilst i would like to think that i'd made those types of friends in the relatively brief time of stay in a number of places, i now catch myself wondering if those friends feel the same way about the friendships we have. if you believe the idea that my friend came up with, then i could easily attribute these doubts that i have to the less-than-optimal time spent cultivating the friendship. to be honest though, i'm not sure i can point to this as the main contributor to my doubts. i think it's more me. i say "think", because i'm not at all certain, but i see how it could be me.

i can easily blame one thing. i'm a workaholic, plain and simple, and this cuts into any quality time i may spend with friends. i realise that i can only get out what i put in. cliché, but it clearly applies here. the other reason, maybe, is that i'm very naive about people at times, almost child-like when it comes to meeting people that i feel could be good friends. i react by instinct, and immediately see who i will be comfortable being around with. i've been burned by it, but i don't think it's really made me more wary. i guess you can say that i've got rose-coloured glasses on. i don't think this is really so bad, but i'm sure you can see how it would contribute to my situation.

now, how do i feel about growing apart? i've moved so much that i've really become somewhat numb to it, but meeting new people has always been and still is exciting for me. it doesn't mean that i don't get affected by the growing apart bit. i still feel that initial disappointment/hurt, but i just deal with them better. and one way is to try to convince myself that it's their loss and not mine, though i'm not entirely sure about that. LOL. i've got my sets of good and bad qualities that come out in different combination at time. the key is to not let all the bad qualities come out at the same time. i can tell you that you would witness the most unbearable human being. haha!

so, will i ever have meaningful friendships? i'd like to think that i have and that i still have them. as for the new ones i've made, we'll just see where it goes. i'll just need to find the few that are worth nurturing. how do i find them? instincts, i guess. they've not really let me down yet. :)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


this clip from the movie paris je t'aime was what inspired the title of this blog. i've known the song lonely blue boy much earlier, but never really thought much about it until i saw this clip. it took on a different meaning. not sure what, though. it just "sounded" different to me. maybe it was the context that the clip gave it. that's funny because it's usually the other way around, the song giving a movie additional context or depth, or both.

the clip is about soulmates, in my opinion. soulmates meet in ordinary circumstances, and only the lucky few recognise these circumstances to be in the least ordinary. it makes me think if i've missed my chance, or if it has yet to happen, or better yet, if it's happening now. a good reason to keep our minds, our eyes, and our hearts open. you just never know.

Monday, October 26, 2009

A little bit about coming out

a questionnaire taken from scousewemboy of roomlovely.

Country: United Kingdom

How old were you when you first realised you were gay? 10. not necessarily knowing the word gay, but i knew i liked boys more than girls.

Do you have more gay friends or straight friends? more straight friends, but i don't choose my friends because they're gay or straight.

Biggest turn on? a really nice smile and beautiful eyes. a good sense of humour is always a plus.

Biggest turn off? arrogance and vanity

Ever been harassed due to your orientation? when i was younger in school, i was teased, but my friends always backed me up so the teasing quickly stopped. i've not been teased since i was 15 probably.

Have you ever been surprised at the reaction of people who know you are gay? some were surprised, some said they suspected, but most were supportive.

What is the worst gay stereotype? promiscuity. there may be some who are promiscuous, but most gay guys can be monogamous, fall in love, and have stable and lasting relationships.

Are you a stereotype? i don't think so. i'm just being me, so if that seems like a stereotype to someone else, then so be it.

Ever been to a pride rally? oh yeah. san francisco, london, brighton. they're always a blast! one day, i will make it to the one in sydney. i've heard good things about it.

Do you go to gay bars? very rarely. i just don't go to bars that often to start with. and when i do, i don't focus on gay bars. although i do enjoy going to drag shows. they're quite fun!

How old were you when you first told someone you were gay? 16, going on 17.

Did you plan it? yes and no. i had been thinking about it, and wanted to come out, but i didn't want to initiate it. i just waited for the right moment when a friend of mine asked me at a party.

What made you choose that person to tell? i was asked by that person, and i'd been wanting to come out. she asked, i answered honestly.

How did you feel? let's just say, i couldn't stop smiling for days. :)

Have you ever been snubbed by someone after coming out to them? two people did, but i had already been out for a few years. so it didn't bother me that much. i had only known them for less than a year.

Have you come out to your family? yes. my dad had a bit of a hard time with it. my mum was cool right from the start.

Why did you come out at that point? my mum asked me one night before i was heading off with my friends to go out. this is becoming a common theme - others initiating my coming out. lol.

Are you out at work? yes.

If not, why not?

If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? i don't think i've been outed unwillingly, at least not behind my back.

What does being out mean to you? revealing your true self to those around you, and them having to accept the true you to whatever degree they are comfortable with.

What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? do it at your own pace, and trust your instincts when it comes to identifying a true confidante. only do it when you've got a clear head, not when you're drunk, stoned, etc.

If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? i would have liked to have told my parents first.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Growing apart

i was on ichat with a friend of mine. we've been friends for nearly 20 years now. our conversation, like always, turned to how the other guys were doing. there were four of us, and we were tight. did everything together, and it helped that our parents were also good friends with each other. over the years, we've managed to keep in touch and see each other every couple of years or so, just to reform the bonds of friendship. during the past four years or so, the three of us felt that one has become distant. we would call, and the calls were returned. but gradually, contact became sparse and very seldom. i guess this is what people call "growing apart". i'm not sure what triggers this distancing. it seems to me that the times we've shared have lost their sentimental value. it upsets me. the other two and i tried to keep it going, but to no avail. i'm not sure what happened. it seems like it happened quickly, but i'm sure there were signs that we weren't conscious of. maybe later it will become clearer.

to some, growing apart from a friend is easy to accept. i've always had trouble with it. i don't have many friends, and i have even fewer friends that i trust with all my being. i let very few people in to see the REAL me. i don't know why that is. that's just how i am. and if you've been let in my inner sanctum, if you will, you will be my friend for life. so you can imagine why it is difficult for me to deal with a friend to choose to let a friendship like that go.

i think the song "bedshaped" by keane is appropriate.

Many's the time I ran with you down
The rainy roads of your old town
Many the lives we lived in each day
And buried altogether
Don't laugh at me
Don't look away

You'll follow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
And legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

I know you think I'm holding you down
And I've fallen by the wayside now
And I don't understand the same things as you
But I do

Don't laugh at me
Don't look away

You'll follow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
And legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Class trumps gay pride

was in the train to london, getting in very late to work. a group of six gay twentysomethings boarded. it was obvious that they were all good friends, and heading to london for a good time. they were all fit, and unfortunately they knew it too. i sensed a bit of vanity. they were having a conversation, and quite loudly, i might add. actually only three of the six were loud, specially one that had a thick northwest accent. i was sitting in the seat behind them so i could clearly hear what they were talking about, and so did everyone else in the coach. at first it was humourous. they were talking about a friend who was obsessed with another guy that they all knew. i guess this friend was throwing himself at this guy. i missed a few minutes of the conversation (not that i was eavesdropping; they were just loud and one could not help hear everything they were talking about) as i had to take a phone call. after the call, i realised that they were talking about barebacking and how to medicate their arseholes. ewww. by this time, i was not at all enjoying involuntarily hearing the rest of the conversation. and i suspect no one else in the coach did either, although i didn't look around. and this brings me to my question...

were they doing this for shock value? maybe it was just an utter lack of class on their part? i'm very much into being proud of ones sexuality. i'm gay, and i'm very proud of it. but i think this has crossed the line. there are just some things that are not done in public - one of them is talking LOUDLY about unprotected anal sex and how to soothe your arsehole after participating in one. i just can't get my head around this, in terms of their motivation. there was not even a hint of embarrassment on their part. they have every right to talk about whatever they want in public, but i just wished that they could have done it softly, without subjecting others to it.

i don't know. some of you may think of me as a prude, but in my opinion, class trumps pride in sexuality.

when we got to victoria station, each one took out a feather boa. LOL. looks like the boys intended to hit london in style. one of the guys in the group is celebrating his birthday. and the party started at around noon. i could only imagine what they felt the following morning. actually i don't want to imagine it.

anyway, i'm glad that they are very proud of being gay, but there is definitely other ways to express that pride. and talking about barebacking loudly is not one of them.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Landscape Photography

Here are some deserved winners and honourable mentions in the BBC's landscape photography competition. Awesome pics! From this link.

SUNRISE OVER OLD MAN OF STORR, ISLE OF SKYE by EMMANUEL COUPE (First Prize in the Take A View - Landscape Photographer of the Year Award 2009

WHEAT FIELD AT DAWN by JOHN MCGOVERN (Young Landscape Photographer of the Year Award)


SUNSET IN CUMBRIA by CHRIS MCILREAVY (English National Parks Award)





Very deserving, don't you think?

On a side note, this blog is not meant to be a photography blog - only a collection of things or events I find interesting.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Tilt-shift photography

i decided to try this tilt-shift app for iphone. it actually processes images already taken, so it's not the real tilt-shift that requires a special lens for the camera. for the price of less than two quid, it's not bad, i guess. i'm not a professional, so my standards are quite low, when it comes to photography. here's a couple of images i took - one at wembley, and the other inside the brighton dome. the object is to make the subject look like a miniature. this is achieved by blurring the foreground and background, with the photo taken from a high angle. if i want more of these images, i'm going to have to find a high vantage point for picture taking and use a better camera than an iphone cam, which is not the best, by the way. anyone want to take me to the london eye? lol.

here are two pictures i found from this site.