Lonely Blue Boy

i blog, i tweet, i have facebook and tumblr accounts, but i can't be arsed to update them as regularly as i would like. i do have a job, and that takes most of my day.

one of the tweets of someone i follow referred to the movie C.R.A.Z.Y. if you're not familiar with it, read a bit of the synopsis below.

Synopsis :
Zachary naît un 25 décembre, quatrième fils d'un père plein d'amour filial, fanatique de Charles Aznavour et Patsy Cline, et d'une mère aux petits soins pour ses cinq fils. L'enfant voue une admiration sans bornes pour son père qui, pour sa part, désapprouve ses penchants pour des jeux qu'il estime peu virils et ses inclinations homosexuelles en germe.

Commentaire:
Il s'agit de l'histoire des relations père-fils mettant en perspective les durs paramètres sociaux sous lesquels le Québec des années 1960 et 1970 vit une crise identitaire.

Fils d'un père « souffrant d'un surplus d'hormones mâles » (qu'à une époque plus récente, on aurait qualifié d'homophobe) et élevé avec ses quatre autres frères à la personnalité affirmée, Zachary, adolescent, tente de se définir. Il doit composer avec une crise d'identité sexuelle émergente et le désir intense qu'il a de plaire à un père bouillant et intransigeant qu'il adore par-dessus tout.

La première lettre des prénoms Christian, Raymond, Antoine, Zachary et Yvan forment l'acronyme du titre, qui est aussi le titre de la chanson préférée de leur père.

the movie has some significance to me as a large chunk of the movie mirrored my childhood and teenage life.

for example, the lead character zachary had a difficult birth. at least the film gave the impression that he might die. when i was born, i was not breathing. the doctors thought that i would not make it, so they let my mom take me in her arms, with everyone, including my father thinking that i was going to die. then i sneezed and started to cry to much relief of everyone, including the doctors. at least this is how my mom and dad tell the story. unlike zachary, i was not dropped on the floor when i was a baby. lol.

in his early years, zachary would prefer to play with dolls to his father's despair. his father forced onto him toys that were, and still are, traditionally for boys. the same thing with me. i preferred to play with my sisters dolls, and would often take them around in my little car and pedal them around in the streets near our house. that was the only way i could get away with playing with the dolls, if my sister was playing with me as well. i was forced into playing sports, though admittedly, i quite enjoyed sports. there were times when i would get punished if i as much think of playing with my sister's dolls. sometimes it was physical punishment. my dad was adamant that i was going to be a boy-boy, if that made any sense. one thing i could remember distinctly was when he took the clippers and shaved my head, which angered my mom. the reason he did that was because a woman in the store we were in commented what a pretty girl i was. haha! back then i had curly brown hair, big eyes, fair skin, and very red lips. i guess that upset my dad so much that he had to go through this drastic measure of shaving off my head of curly hair. i could sense that my mom still hold a small resentment from that incident. i didn't know any better. all i could remember was that i was scared to death of the clippers. i had never gotten my hair cut before that. i was four at the time.

in the film, zachary's mom understood him much better than his father, and this held through for most of the film until the end when zachary was in his early twenties, i assume. the same thing with me. my mom understood me so much better, and this was true about everything. she just knew my psychology, how my mind worked. she could and still can read me like a book. very hard to keep anything from her. lol. i didn't have to come out to her. she asked me straight up if i was gay. i guess in a way that was easier because it was initiated for me. sometimes starting that type of conversation represents the greatest inertia that is the most difficult to overcome. An emotional and/or psychological hump, if you will.

when i was 14 or so, i started getting interested sexually in boys. at times, i can be terrible at hiding my emotions, whether it be anger, happiness, frustration, or lovesickness. (sappy, i know. lol) my father saw this, and he was not pleased. he didn't do anything, but i could tell he didn't approve of it. what could he have done? nothing, really. it's not like shaving my head would solve the problem. haha! although he did try to set me up on a date with his colleague's daughter when i was fifteen. things got better though. my father had to take charge of a project in the u.s. he moved a year before the rest of the family did. i hate to say it, but it's true. i felt that if he didn't see me turn into a gayboy, then i didn't feel that i was disappointing him. at 16, i came out to my mom and my friends. well, all of them asked me directly. then at 17, i told my dad knowing that it would be difficult for him to handle. i had to do it though. it was tough knowing that my mom knew and my dad didn't. also, i was leaving for university, so i figured that the distance may lessen the impact on both of us. leaving home after coming out was also something zachary did in the film.

unlike the film, my dad came around much sooner than zachary's father. i don't know exactly what happened, but i'm sure my mom played a large part in making him see the light. lol. things are very good between us now. he's met boyfriends that i had. i don't know if he's entirely comfortable with the idea, but he's at least accepted it.

i realise that what i described here is not unique to me. i'm certain that others may have had the same experience. but then again, what we take away from the film, their relation or link to events in our lives and how we interpret them are highly personal and unique.

so there you go - a brief synopsis of my birth, early childhood, and teen years.

thanks for reading.