Lonely Blue Boy

insecurities, we all have them; and a common source of them is our fear of ridicule and criticisms from others. i have insecurities, but i think they're a bit different from the traditional ones. i really couldn't care less about criticisms and ridicule from people i do not know, or if i do know them, i do not care about. they are just not worth the emotional energy it would take to keep reminding myself that i am better than the person they think i am. my insecurities stem from the fear of criticism from people i care about, those i know AND know me. those criticisms hurt. and the wounds they inflict, whilst they heal, always leave scars; scars that you don't notice unless you look harder, deeper. they hurt because some of the time, i know that there are some truths to them. and other times, i just see them as preludes to rejection, that imminent time when you are anticipate those dreaded words - "you're not good enough for me. there is someone better out there." they may not be the exact words, but what i have written would probably be the words that i would hear. funny how words get twisted when one is in this frame of mind. insecurities stemming from criticisms from people i care about - i am afraid of them. i seldom dwell on them, but when i do, i get paralysed. i don't know how others deal with this. is there an effective way of dealing with this? or do we just bury it, forget it, and hope that it doesn't reemerge?

maybe the fear of rejection manifests as the insecurities i refer to. i guess the trick is for me to find someone that will see me and love me for who i am. but it's a catch-22 isn't it? in order to find THE one, i will need to bare myself, show every faults and vulnerabilities to the world, and hope that i will catch the attention of THE one. i've done it before, and i think i can do it again.

i may have already begun...